Raw

Raw...bare.naked.stripped.demasked. All adjectives that define me at this particular point. How easy it is to go through the process of adorning, masking, robing, even smiling without being in touch with your true reality that is you in that exact instance. For me, it took my moving to a foreign place with unfamiliar people, cultures, and practices where I was left to survive (or totally rely on God); sink or swim. And even in my story of victory and triumph, I still feel incomplete, broken, and empty from time to time. Life is meant for seasons (Ecclesiastes 3), but in this one the wind is completely taking over.

I could take you through the details of my thoughts on a minute-to-minute basis that include my struggle with desiring the man of my dreams and making the ones in my life fit into that mold, praying his safety and sanity in my world of crazy; or the thoughts and prayers (anguished cry) for my beautiful grandmother that I am absolutely and completely worried about almost daily; or the lack of motivation I have for school every other day, knowing in my heart I should be doing something else, but trying to wait on God's timing (or maybe I'm just scared to fail or even worse, procrastinating); or what I'll wear and eat for the day (Matthew 6:25-34), which workout I'll attend; midterms (to study or not). Everyday is a constant struggle for sanity, and to think that someone out here has it even worse...unbearable!

(But who ever found solace in knowing someone else was worse off, NO! We always want the spotlight; we want our problems to be the biggest and the only so the attention and focus is on us. So yes, I know there are others out there in bad shape, but for now, let's table that discussion.)

What's a girl to do? Continue going through the motions of living until reaching the end of my days and realizing I totally missed out on what was important in life, while chasing after something that left me insatiated? I think not! But what? How do I get up from here and move into a season of newness, refreshing, and joy?

Dear God, I'm here bearing my soul and desperately need some type of quenching. I am exhausted, frustrated, and upset. Please resurrect the life in me so that I can make it through this next moment. Take care of all the concerns I have and replace them with the peace you promised Your child. In Jesus' name I pray, amen!